"There is no paradise for you to escape to..."

For the most part, life has been good to me these past couple years. A lot of good things happened, but after having a baby in February (the birth itself was long and not what I had envisioned at all), I soon found myself struggling with baby blues, which soon escalated to post-natal depression. It started as a feeling. Just a deep, abyssal suffocation from the moment I woke up. I spent my time trying not to cry most days, wondering what on earth I had got myself in to. The worst part was the embarrassment—not wanting to admit to anyone how I was feeling, because then I would look ungrateful and weird. Not to be biased, but my son is extremely cute and expressive. Everyone would think I was stupid for feeling so low and despondent towards him.

The depression hasn’t quite gone, but it comes in waves. I’m on anti-depressants. Most days are good, but some are very, very bad.

Two weeks ago on a Saturday, I felt terrible. I had a “discussion” with a loved one that made me feel like shit. I kept crying and I couldn’t stop. Even worse is that I was sick with a cold, and I had to sing at church. I was the only alto on the praise team, so I had to go. As I drove to Brixton, I was crying and crying. I almost parked up to tell the team I wouldn’t be able to sing, but somehow I pulled myself together at the last moment.

After church, instead of going home, I turned off my phone and drove around and around my area. It was such a surreal experience. For some reason, I just didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want anything to do with my life. I contemplated parking up behind Forest Hill Station and getting a train to somewhere. I couldn’t speak. My head was full.

I turned onto a sideroad and started planning my great escape. Thought about how much money I had, and how much to take out of the cash machine so that I couldn’t be tracked (thanks, true crime podcasts!). My heart was racing as I thought about it—was I really going to run away like this? Would I end up seeing my face all over twitter and Instagram? Would I be too embarrassed to return home? And if I did, what would everyone say?

I know this sounds bonkers, but a quote came back to me that stopped me in my tracks.

There is no paradise for you to escape to.

The Lost Children Chapter is one of my favourite parts of the Conviction Arc. There are just so many layers to it, but I feel like I only properly understood it two weeks ago, when I was in my car, sitting in the rain, and planning on how to leave my current life behind.

In the story, Jill is a victim of child abuse, and she lives in a village that she hates. Rosine is another victim, but rather than stay in the village, she escapes and makes her own fantasy land, where she becomes an elf queen and rules over all the other children who ran away. But her fantasy is just that: a fabrication. Her dreams of Misty Valley turned out to be a hoax, and so she tried to create her own via a blood sacrifice, and she pretends that her life is better. As Lost Children progresses, it’s clear that Rosine is still hurting a lot, and that the wounds from her past are still bleeding.

Guts is the third protagonist of the story. Due to his own trauma, he goes on a solo mission for revenge, leaving behind his beloved Casca, and Rickert, and Godo, and Erica. He hasn’t faced his own wounds properly, so he becomes the ominous Black Swordsman, living in his own fantasy, to hide from it. Only after he faces the very nadir of himself, and helps Jill through her battle, does he return to Casca. And the title of this essay is the phrase he leaves with Jill as he departs from her village. After listening to her pleas to follow him, Guts tells Jill to return home, because there is no paradise for her to escape to.

Life is traumatic and hard. There are times when an escape is life-saving and necessary, and there are times when we have to face our struggles head-on.

For me, my issues were literally in my head. I was going through a loop of negativity, not even wanting to talk to my husband when I’m sure he would have understood. I just wanted to leave everything and everyone behind, but that’s not how issues are resolved.

So I went home, and I faced my existence, and I found the strength to struggle on.