Do I still have resentment?

There is an agent that crosses my timeline every now and then, and when I see his name I get uncomfortable.

During the Black Lives Matter 2020 protests, publishing had a bit of a meltdown and industry professionals came forward to rectify the inequalities that were exposed. A UK agent responded to a twitter thread asking for literary agents who were open to receiving work from Black writers. I tweeted him and we moved to the DMs, where I gave him a quick pitch of TWENTY NINETEEN. He said it sounded good and asked me to send him my submission package.

It's 2024 and I'm still waiting for a response. I didn't even get a read receipt. I have no idea if any of the other Black writers he got in contact with during that time suffered the same fate.

Stupidly, I queried him again, this time with THE REAPER. By this point Black Girl Writers was in full swing and I was in contact with one of his colleagues, who wanted to arrange a Q&A event with her agency. I mentioned to her that I had sent this guy THE REAPER and she frowned: “oh he hasn't responded? I'll nudge him for you”. What a lovely lady. Either way, I still got air time.

The agent in question is from one of those “no response means rejection” agencies, which is a policy I've always disliked as agents can take a while to get through submissions if their workload is very heavy. The No Response practice will always leave the writer in a state of unknowing: did the agent even get around to the submission to reject it? But in addition to this, if you're going to volunteer yourself during a very politically sensitive moment, you should temporarily retire that policy so that the Black writers who get in touch with you don't feel doubly abandoned by the industry. It's just common sense to me.

There was also the agent who made me cry. Not because she was mean or anything, but I so severely disagreed with her feedback about THE REAPER and I genuinely believed she was my last chance for an agent.

There are many writers out there who have received really horrible, rude rejections. They leave their mark. For agents, these incidents have most likely slipped their memories, and I doubt either of the aforementioned even remember THE REAPER. I don't think it's healthy to nurse resentment towards them, and my mental health would be better nourished enjoying my relationship with the agent who took a chance on me. After all, all those rejections were stepping stones worn and wearied by thousands of writers who came before me, many of whom are far more talented. But the feelings will not disappear overnight.

Querying is a gruelling experience, and I was at it for six years. Being rejected for that length of time is not easy, so it will take a while to properly recover from it all. During my lowest querying days, I used to unfollow and mute all the agents I wanted to query because it was painful to see an agent announce they’d offered rep to an author writing in my genre, with similar themes to mine, immediately after sending me a form rejection. I always knew the rejections were getting to me when I could no longer enjoy reading, when holding a book would fill me with jealousy, and I would look at the front covers and think why isn’t my name on here? When will I get to hold my own novel?

Things don’t get better after the querying stage. I still find myself battling with anxiety as I watch the progress of my peers, and feel the chill of paranoia whenever anyone in my debut discord server announces they’ve signed a foreign rights deal or reached a particular milestone. Sometimes I’ll balk at their initial book deals and wonder why GETHSEMANE also wasn’t worth six-figures, that perhaps this series ain’t all that after all. When I feel like that, I take a break from socials and pour that energy into my story, remind myself why I love this world and the characters I’ve created. The publishing industry is difficult to navigate.

Although social media can cause a lot of issues for writers, it is also a great source of community, empowerment, and information sharing. I’ve seen agents and editors get very candid on social media, publicly mourning the writers that got away or the acquisitions that fell through. An editor at a Big 5 once told me that she cried when a book she loved was won by another publishing house. The loss hurt her so much that she couldn’t bear to hear about the novel for weeks. These stories are important—it helps us feel less alone.

I’ve developed some coping strategies over the years that I hope will be useful to you. Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge your feelings and understand that you’re not the only one feeling this way. When your normal anxiety-jealously-resentment starts affecting your every day enjoyment of writing, it’s time to take a social media break, cleanse your timelines, mute those words. Be sure to do this during key points of the year: London Book Fair and Frankfurt are often followed by weeks of acquisition and representation posts which might be triggering if you’re struggling in the trenches.

Once you’ve taken your break, it’s important to find a tribe to celebrate wins and commiserate over losses with. Search the #WritingCommunity tag and look for mutual friends, but be sure to curate a healthy ratio that’s reflective of your situation. For example, if you’re in the trenches, you’ll want to prioritise fellow soldiers over those who are agented (isn’t it annoying when you’re venting about your querying woes and a writer on sub pops out of nowhere to tell you that getting an agent is the EASY part?). Likewise, a writer on sub will find their journey easier connecting with others in a similar position.

Thirdly, it’s nice to step away from the manuscript that’s causing the anguish and write something else; a short story or another project altogether, enter a writing competition or submit to magazines, rekindle your love of the craft. Or, find other sources of inspiration altogether. During my darkest moments, I used to watch a documentary about an author who went through a lot of struggles in her early writing career and is now a huge success. I’ve since fallen out of love with this author, but the documentary is still an inspiring watch. There are many such stories out there, biographies and interviews of authors who really understand the struggle and are now living the dream. Stephen King’s On Writing gives me a similar feeling.

Finally, celebrate your wins: that dream agent may have rejected you, but you’ve still got many more chances with other amazing agents. You’ve been on sub for a while, but you’ve still finished a novel. Everyone thinks that writing is so easy, which is why they flippantly believe we all have a book in us, but not everyone has the talent or temerity to complete a book and write it well, so you should never not feel proud about that. And fine, someone signed a six-figure deal, but you signed a book deal too—stop being a fucking drama queen and go buy yourself some cake.

Ultimately, don’t beat yourself up over these very real and very common emotions. They will come and go, but your book, your story, will stay with you forever. Always remember why you're doing this – fight for your characters and their right to be read and enjoyed by the world. There will be disappointments along the way, but I truly believe they will be worth it in the end. Through it all, that dream of holding my book in my hands kept me going. Whatever it takes, you have to keep going.